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This is the most personal thing I own, and I am sharing it with you, my reader. By now you know me intimately; I have shared everything but my most private words with you.
As I read back on this diary, I realize how much I have grown since this tragedy in my life. It took a lot of courage and many tears for me to transcribe this diary for you to read. It is a personal and emotionally charged transcript I wrote for a few years after Gary’s death.
If you are a person who is depressed and contemplating suicide, I hope this book changes your mind. No matter how bad life is for you, there is plenty of love on this planet to come your way.
With a lot of work on your part, you can reprogramme your mind to achieve anything you want. How do I know this? Because I have done it myself -- and succeeded.
16th November 1998
I am so worried about myself – my grief is all consuming. I operate on ‘automatic.’ I can see the sadness in my own eyes. I know everything is meant to be, in the “Plan” of my life.
The email from Melvin Morse has helped me a lot. I can’t believe Gaz is gone – I miss him terribly. (Author’s note: Dr Melvin Morse is a pediatric cardiologist. After so many of his young patients were declared dead and were revived to tell of a bright Light, a loving Being, watching the doctors work on their bodies and some talking to already deceased relatives that they never even hear of, Dr Morse started to conduct studies on these children. You can read about them in his books and when my brother died, I wrote to him and he wrote back and told me to be at peace, that Gary would be well looked after).
No one understands the bond we had. I am a strong person, I have a purpose and I will get through it. I managed to have a look at the story Gaz wants for the book.
I can read his pain in the words he wrote so this will be a very tough challenge for me. I feel compelled to do it now, but I know I am not ready yet, I must heal first.
When I picked Emma up at the bus stop today, that gave me a wonderful feeling of security. Whenever it all gets too much, I hug those beautiful children of mine, and my pain goes away for a minute.
Today I feel more accepting, I still hate it, I want to scream, I just want my brother back. I learnt that Tim Jones’ brother-in-law died two days ago, aged 41. It is dreadful. I painted them a card. It was a picture of the dark tunnel, at the end is a hand surrounded by the “Light.” I am pleased with it, I composed a verse:-
I was surrounded by darkness
Such peace, bliss
I had to reach the Light
The Light loved me, consumed me, held me
At last I was home
So loved, so at peace
I knew all that ever mattered was Love
I emailed Dr Morse today, I hope he replies.
18th November 1998
I feel better today. This afternoon it all came back though. I saw a clairvoyant today, but she wasn’t much chop. Gaz’ best friend, Andrew, rang me today, he is convinced Gaz’ death was an accident. I hope so!
I wish he was still here, I miss him so much, this is so hard. Emma has behaved dreadfully tonight which hasn’t helped. She is usually so sweet but tonight not so. Why is life so complicated? What is the purpose?
Some poor people pulled up in the drive tonight, they thought that they were at the DOCS house. I went out to see who was there. They seemed so scared to have made this mistake, I was very pleasant to them, I am quite ashamed of my reputation over the DOCS house, but at least I know it has been set up with good guidelines for future homes and management.
(Author’s note: Before Gary’s death I fought the Government because they put a DOC’s house next to ours. My fight was that it was too close and people with severe intellectual disabilities like those they proposed to put there would be very disturbing. I lost the fight and they opened the house the day Gary died. I was happy if it was to remain a group home but not for respite. It was first opened as a group home and I befriended my four new neighbours. Then DOC’s turned it into respite for severely intellectually disabled people who screamed all day and night, ran around naked and escaped into our back yard, some were violent and the home became a nightmare). The day Andrew sold the house (nearly 8 years later) DOC’s closed it admitting it was a dreadful mistake).
I have learnt so much this year, enormous growth. I have learnt to be strong, stand up and be heard, take risks, I have learnt humility, compassion, consideration of others, love and most importantly, in God’s eyes we are all equal.
I bless the DOC’s house, as it has taught me so much. Others wouldn’t understand, only me.
I am working on patience and tolerance now, these are my biggest faults. (Author note – at date of writing exactly 8 years and 1 day after, I am known and admired for my patience and tolerance).
Dreams: Eamonn is fishing, dives into rocky shallow water. People not wanting me as a neighbour because of the DOC’s house. A flat at a beach.
I coped pretty well today. Dianne came over with some lovely roses. I told Annie that my code for contact with Gary was frogs. She told me that she has commissioned a painting of a frog for me, and that the artist didn’t have a good frog picture to copy, and when her work colleagues found out, they overloaded her with frogs. So much so that she had to send an email around the office NO MORE FROGS.
I always knew Annie was doing a frog painting for me, even though she never told me until today. (Author’s note: I adore frogs and I told Gary if he died before me to send me frogs as a sign he lives on and I would do the same to him if I died first, Annie was my employer at the time).
In meditation tonight, it appeared that a veil had been lifted and I saw a picture of a man who looked like Yasser Arafat – I wonder if he is about to be assassinated.
I still get overwhelming grief sometimes. I hope Gary will communicate soon, but more than anything, I hope he is happy.
I’m still crying for you Gary – it’s so hard to comprehend that I can’t just ring you up anymore. It is so hard! I pray constantly that you are happy and I await patiently for you to come and tell me you are.
I wonder so much about where you are and what you are doing. I worry about everyone dying and leaving me alone.
Dreams: Something about a book re the Light. I saw this room light up this afternoon. I know you will come soon. I’ve managed to get my head around Christmas today. I also did the shopping without tears.
I have invited the family for a BBQ. It’s dad’s birthday next week as well as Gaz.’ Rod, the guy who manages the bottle shop gave me some comfort today. One of the customers from the bookshop rang him and told him about me. He has lost two brothers in two separate accidents.
22nd November 1998
We had a nice family get together last night. I had a dream about Gaz last night. It was something like him being in bed asleep, I went up to him and poked him and he woke up. Also there was a message about a book. I’m not quite sure what it means.
I think I will go with “If I could.” I’ll see. (Author’s note: Gary and I were writing a children’s book together before he died called If I Could, in hindsight I think it was this book you are reading now, this was my second dream about a book in one week).
Another dream: I was in some sort of waiting area, and I was arguing with someone. He accused me of being too loud and a lady was agreeing with him.
Kevin was very upset last night. I still have trouble believing Gaz has gone – I still want to scream at times, but I am getting better now.
24th November 1998
Oh dear! How miserable I am today. Had another look at Gary’s manuscript. The Guilt! Why didn’t I put more effort into it? He may still be alive. I think deep down I am beginning to blame myself. I want him back so badly.
The weather is dreadful and it seems we may not get a summer this year. Can God rub it in anymore than this?
I feel betrayed that my guides don’t contact me, and that Gary hasn’t come through yet. Of course it’s Gary’s birthday tomorrow, that will be very hard.
I have decided as part of my healing, that each time I write in this journal, I shall set myself a task to do something nice for someone else and record it in this book. That way, Gary’s spirit will be able to experience some good from his suicide.
I think I may have to write some of these things in shorthand so my very personal feelings remain my own. I am taking things out on my parents which is not very good, but I cannot cope with their grief as well as my own.
25th November 1998
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAZ!!!! (drew a birthday cake here)
I had a much better day today. Marjory met me walking Emma to the bus (unusual but the car was being serviced). She had arranged for me to meet a medium friend of hers.
I did two nice things for people today in Gary’s honour. I won’t elaborate these acts in this journal as the purpose is not to make a Saint of myself – just to pass nice vibes onto Gaz.
Mary took me out for lunch, it was nice. Spoke to all the family. Dad seems a bit pissed off at Gaz but I wont hear of it! Nothing but compassion and love from me for my brother.
I am determined to have our book written – if it helps just one person, then Gary’s death will not be in vain. (Author’s Note: It is my hope that this book saves many lives).
Tommy Emanuel’s CD arrived today, it has “The Journey” on it. Funny it should arrive on Gaz’ birthday. (Author’s note: The Journey was played at Gary’s funeral and this is where I started screaming).
26th November 1998
Today I am too heartbroken to write – too many tears.
27th November 1998
I had asked the Angels and God to please give me a nice happy dream. Instead I got a horrific nightmare! I spent the day in the shop, did a bit of Christmas shopping. I have asked Gaz to teach me to paint. This is giving me some comfort.
28th November 1998
Dreamt about the disabled people next door – not sure what the dream was.
29th November 1998
Dad’s birthday today. I wonder if it’s his last. I wish I had gone to see him, but I didn’t. I saw him last Saturday night and gave him his present. How will I cope when he goes? I do not know, the thought of it is too awful.
Had a good talk to Patrick today. He said I don’t look too well and I should try and get myself together. We had a good talk about child abuse and the Catholic church. I hope that I am doing the right thing sending my children to St Thomas.’ I believe things have changed a lot these days. Patrick suggested that I don’t put my brother behind me, but beside me and walk on. That made a lot of sense to me. I wonder how I will ever enjoy life like I did previously to Gary dying. I simply don’t see how I can. (Author’s Note: The words that Patrick spoke to me had a huge impact and literally changed my life).
1st December 1998
Have taken to painting – I’m hopeless but I hope Gaz will channel me some guidance. I keep getting flashes of techniques. I’m sure is Gaz. Today I am a tiny bit angry with you Gary – this whole painful process is very unnecessary.
I am trying to get myself organised for Christmas but this is proving very difficult. Mum is as distraught as I am, I can’t give her any comforting words because there aren’t any. She is looking up things about heaven on the internet, so maybe this may be some sort of spiritual awakening for her.
3rd December 1998
 I am coming to terms with your death Gary. My mourning will not bring you back it will only hinder your progress. I know you will come to me one day, when I am least expecting it. I also know you will come and get me when it is my time to come home.
The girls are behaving dreadfully. Emma especially. She used the “you don’t love me” blackmail. I get so hurt when she says that. The thing I hate the most is when they fight – it really upsets me.
Gaz, how I wish you were still here, I miss you so much, it seems like I am stuck in a dreadful nightmare and I can’t wake up. Please contact me soon!
4th December 1998
Dreams: Kept being shown the book “The Peaceful Warrior” by Dan Millman. I read it years ago, so better read it again. Annie has it. Also dreamt that I was given two different ‘writs’ but I wasn’t worried because it was part of ‘the plan.’ I cried myself to sleep last night, so much that I have a dreadful headache this morning and I thought I was getting better.
I also got out my book “A Soul’s Journey” that I had not intended to read again and there are two pages using ‘frogs’ as an explanation of life!
I was crying my eyes out, I reached into the photo box and immediately went to an exact space where a photo of Gaz was taken last Christmas that I didn’t know I had.
Also skimming through “A Soul’s Journey” I stopped at the page regarding suicide.
5th December 1998
Does the pain ever go away? When do the hardships end? This morning I awake to the destruction of our two beautiful crab apples from mindless vandals last night. This was the last straw. We weren’t the only victims they did the whole street and Hawkesbury Road.
This has fired up my political ambitions again “SHE’S BACK”!!!!! (Author’s note, I was heavily involved in Politics in the Blue Mountains at the time of Gary’s death).
I have written a letter to the paper and I shall be sending a copy to Bob Debus! (The Local State Member of Parliament).
Mum says she saw Gaz last night. He is happy but sorry. He is trying to do something on that side to help. He was wearing a black short sleeve T-shirt, like the one in the photo I found last night!
(The following line I wrote in shorthand so no one would know what I wrote but I will decipher it here) I was so depressed last night that I wrote my own suicide note. It was the eeriest feeling I have ever felt. (shorthand stops here). Never again! Had a pretty good day today considering.
Dad was heartbroken when I rang him about the trees that whilst I was at work he drove all the way down with two replacements, which he wanted planted before I got home. His wish was granted and I was so touched. Dad is the most generous person alive. I love him dearly. I love all my family.
7th December 1998
I have come to the conclusion that there are no coincidences in life. At mum’s yesterday I was on the internet, somehow I came across a memorial page for suicides (although I don’t know if I could ever find it again. After writing my tribute to Gaz, I had a choice of a picture to put with it, all the pictures were of roses and butterflies. As I was paging down to find a white rose, like the one on Gaz’s coffin, I came across the only picture to choose from which was NOT a rose or butterfly! It was a frog doing a tap dance!!! Coincidence? No Way!
I went on the chat line re bereavement and chatted to other people. One lady, whose son committed suicide had ‘appeared’ to her many times. I know Gaz is going to appear to me soon.
Mum and dad are behaving like a couple of dickheads, arguing all the time. Gaz, you would be so pissed off if you knew what mum was carrying on like – I guess you do know, but we can’t sit down and let off steam with each other now, it’s just me to carry the burden now, oh well! I guess I am used to it.
December 8, 1998
The garden is full of St Andrew’s Cross spiders, they have been around for about a week now. It’s funny but they brought back a memory of Gary that I have. It was when we moved back to Australia from New Zealand and I vividly remember he saw one of those spiders and excitedly cried out “look at that beautiful spider.”
p.m. Very teary again. I wish mum and dad would stop ringing me every day. Gaz (this part of the diary I have scribbled out, I must have written something hurtful, I tried to see the words I wrote but I made a good job of hiding them). …..telling me how I should grieve for you! I don’t want to blub with her (mum). The next two pages of the diary I ripped out. I think I was angry with my parents and decided to blame them for Gary’s death. An unjust thing to do but that’s how I dealt with it. Of course I do not blame my parents or anyone for what happened. The diary continues…..
Dreams – A HUGE redback spider on the wall. I knocked it down but I didn’t know if it was dead or not, scared it was on me or under my bed. Lots of dead decomposed spiders on the ceiling – vaguely remember dreaming about something to do with showering.
9th December 1998
Today I get on with my life. I have ripped out the angry pages. I’m better now. I saw a reader (clairvoyant) today, she said you had an accident and that you are worried about me. She also said that you were surprised that you had died. She said that the tape was made two years ago. I note that is impossible because on the tape you say you are 34 years of age. (Author’s Note: Gary left a very graphic suicide tape when he died at aged 34).
OK Gaz let’s communicate, she said you would come through automatic writing on the computer and in my dreams. I love you Gaz, I’m happy that you are happy.
10th December 1998
Depressed again! Am I ever to feel happy again? The coroner said that Gaz had 80% saturated alcohol – apparently 30% causes death. Gary I wished you hadn’t done this. You have left so many loose ends! I am so pissed off with life, even have suicidal thoughts myself, which scares me, but at least I know the pain it causes others. How I wish this hadn’t happened, I am so unhappy.
12th December 1998
Darling brother, are you happy? A psychic mum saw today says yes, and you are about to enter the Healing Hospital for a couple of months. (author note: in my near death experience research, suicides enter a healing place, peaceful, loving and supportive to help them deal with the reality of what they have done).
He says you will contact me after that. He asked mum if someone had asthma because he could feel trouble breathing. We know what that means though Gaz and it’s proof to me that you contacted him. (Author’s note: carbon monoxide poisoning causes trouble breathing).
He said he will help me to see you next week for free. He must be genuine! I am seeing him on Wednesday. Be ready! I promise if I know you are happy I will be too. This man said to mum that her daughter was going to do something wonderful for a child – I wonder if it’s our book? (Author’s note: at time of editing this book I have just put together a motivational programme for children).
I am happy with it. I know you are helping me write it. Thank you. My meditation last night was fabulous – I believe I can feel you or my guide’s presence. How I miss you. I saw you in an old Christmas video today that I have. I can see how uncomfortable you are, you poor thing. This Christmas might be better for you I hope.
Mum got the alcohol thing wrong (of course!!!!) It was carbon monoxide poisoning 80% in your body and 30% is fatal. You still had a heap of booze in your body though. Mum found a hose and a hole in boot of your car. Well you were going to do it sooner or later!
Remember our last chat, when I said to you, there is no doubt in my mind that life goes on after death? I was right wasn’t I? Were you surprised? You did come to me that time didn’t you, thanks.
13th December 1998
I am trying to let you go. I will if I get the proof that you are ok. I feel after Wednesday that this will happen and then I must let you go and heal. You will be back to contact me, I know this.
My meditations are becoming beneficial. How I miss you. What is my purpose? We came down here together, but you weren’t ready, I will continue on my path, I know you will watch over me. I love you Gaz, I totally forgive you, I feel such compassion for you and I set you free.
I surround you in Light and wish only that you be happy. Remember when you asked me what does it feel like to be happy? Do you know now? The ring on my finger is for you, and will always wish happy and loving thoughts for you. Do not suffer for our grief, we can only grow from the experience. Just be happy Gaz, we all love you xxx I liked the frog in the white rose. (Author’s note: I bought a silver Celtic ring – it means lives intertwined and I wear it religiously, even to this day).
15th December 1998
A great day yesterday. I have realised that I simply must get back to myself for everyone’s sake but especially for the girls. Strange night of dreams: snakes and lizards shaped by the stars in a form of aboriginal art.
16th December 1998
I am more accepting now, although at times a wave of grief and desperation comes across me. I saw mum’s psychic today, certainly I didn’t see you but I was in an hypnotic state.
18th December 1998
I feel more and more like my old self, but at times my stomach turns inside out. I love you Gary and I want you to be happy. Mum wants me to go to Wales with her next year. I think I will go. It might be nice to go back to where it all began. Please come and see me soon. (Author’s note: my mother and I traveled to Wales in April 1999, I found it difficult to be away from my family though).
I am not writing in my journal as much now as I want to move on, and not writing every day is part of that moving and healing. I am reading a book about Merlin at the moment, fancy I didn’t know he was Welsh! (Author’s note: My mother, myself, Kevin and Gary are all Welsh).
I shall try and read other similar books, I love that era. God I wish you were still alive!!!!!
22nd December 1998
The tears have begun again. Not as many, but sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks. I beg you to come and visit me Gaz. I still have trouble believing it at times, even though I always knew you would never make it to 40. I love you Gary and wish only happiness and love for you. It’s harder now for me because everyone expects me to be OK and strong. Sometimes all I want to do is cry. Libba gave me about 50 tadpoles yesterday, I love them and they seem happy in their new home. That cheered me up heaps. I know you will come to me soon and I will wait patiently and I know it must be just as hard for you to get through.
23rd December 1998
Another very vivid dream last night: I was looking up at the night sky and a whole lot of planes (which I thought were UFO’s) were flying over me, but you could only see the planes because the lights (or stars?) were lit as the shape. Then one of them flew down to me, but it was a house not a plane. I think this is a message that things are happening with my psychic development.
Christmas Day 1998
So Christmas strikes! I hated it this year. I have always enjoyed Christmas, in fact loved it, but this year it seemed so meaningless to me. I enjoyed the children they loved it, and Kevin was brilliant as Santa Claus, that made me laugh like I used to before you died. Christmas is so commercial and all these stupid people make such a fuss, but very few remember what it is really about. It’s certainly not like it was when we were kids. Last night I remembered you were an Alter Boy at St Bernadette’s and in the vestry. I have my suspicion that this could have been where your problems stemmed.
29th December 1998
We are nearing the end of this dreadful year, I am glad Christmas is finished. I couldn’t get the tree down quick enough. The days are easier but that overwhelming grief still hits me. I wish you were here Gaz. Why? Why? Why?
31st December 1998
11.15pm Goodbye ’98 – What a bastard of a year!!
2nd January 1999
New Year’s Eve. We saw in. I cried my eyes out. I was so sad today I am feeling very depressed. I am snapping at the kids and feeling very out of sorts.
The other night in mediation I visualized Gaz under a dome of leadlight windows, asleep. I feel he was having healing.
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