When my second source of capital began to run out (as is not that unusual an occurrence when starting a business from scratch) and my list of clients was still terrifyingly short, I began to feel I could no longer keep going and keep pushing what had become an uphill battle every day. Life was becoming so tiresome and hard, but even in the worst of times, I surprised myself: I kept reading and practicing the Law of Attraction.
I also knew that if I really wanted to be a speaker myself, I had to be able to pull from a personal forum, or area of expertise, from which to speak. I wholeheartedly believe that without my experiences of personal hardship, I would not have had the experience to help and encourage others to fulfill their aspirations.
My plan wasn’t working, despite my positive affirmations that I kept practicing; things just weren’t coming together to “jelling” the way in which I had envisioned they would. It wasn’t long before I even started to feel resentful of the speakers’ bureau and even the motivational speaking industry as a whole.
Soon I started thinking dangerously, and I knew it. As time passed, I thought the only option was to walk down to the beach one night, fully clothed, and drown myself. I didn’t think anyone would miss me; after all, I had failed. I had lived off the only money I had. I had borrowed money through refinancing. I was lucky enough to have been offered a substantial sum from a friend, and even that was all gone. I was in huge debt, single and alone.
After some time living in this quicksand of depression, I prepared and practiced my own keynote address on suicide prevention. Immersing myself in such a subject was a really twisted quirk of irony, because I knew deep down I would never go through with this act after losing Gary to suicide, but my desperation and loneliness were so extreme, I still wondered whether I could keep going.
To the outside world, I looked and acted like this successful, confident business woman, but on the inside I was broken, scared and lonely. The cruel irony was that wherever I went, people knew of me and my work. I had a good public profile, but still, no work was coming in. Oh, what a good actress I was!
I was a walking, talking example of what it means to be “seemingly sane” – a woman who felt she had been abused and let down by many people, a few of whom she had loved and trusted; a woman who had endured her beloved brother’s suicide; a woman who had battled a serious illness and still fought to keep it at bay. Yet something kept telling me that I must, no matter what, face each day and never give up.
Yet I continued to vacillate; one day I felt encouraged and upbeat, and the next I was so distraught that I worried and cried constantly. My parents, who had many troubles of their own, were beside themselves with anxiety and concern. They and my close friends urged me to get a job – any job, and fast. I knew if I did this I would never last; I would lose all confidence in myself, my business would fold, and my dreams would be shattered, likely for the rest of my life.
Luckily, I knew how to improve my mood and the steps to take to keep my endorphins actively coursing through my system. Though I was very fragile, I kept my emotional and mental equilibrium through Taekwondo. I continued to use the physical and mental exercise of Taekwondo to relieve my stress, and it always brought me back to my “center” without fail.
But in between these times, Emma and Grace watched their mother falling to pieces. I am so proud of my daughters; both my girls helped me enormously. They showed a strength I didn’t know they possessed. In the end, it was the faces of my daughters that kept me fighting. I had to keep going -- for them.
