My enthusiasm, passion and love for what I do has kept me focused and determined to keep going throughout the very hard times of establishing my new business. I am sure many would had given up within the first six months, and I am quite sure if I had known what I was really in for, I would have not continued. And yet, despite advice from my dad and some friends, I was determined to lift my business off the ground and live the life of my dreams.
I spent most of the first year building the foundations of Coyote, which meant I met every speaker I represented if at all possible. I built my own website, even though I had never done this before, and I started a monthly e-zine, which people liked. The mailing list quickly grew and still does. Early on, I found a great presence on the Internet, but I didn’t have many clients. Still, undeterred, I continued with my passion and love for my work.
Many of the speakers I represent personally mentored me and gave me their books and educational training CDs. This was an amazing education and I quickly learnt to be a savvy marketer. My only “weakness” was my ability in sales, so I put a lot of energy and focus on that, and in the second year of the business I become a great salesperson, as well.
Another obstacle was the start-up capital I needed to put into the business, which anyone who has ever been self-employed or owned their own company will certainly understand! I put what I could into the business, but mostly I lived off credit, until even that reached its limit. The inevitable crunch-time came in 2005, when I was able to refinance the company.
But by 2006 I was nearly $100,000 in debt! It was an extremely terrifying time in my life; to say that it “tested” me is a harsh understatement: I was really scared. Just downright scared.
There were days that I did not want to wake up. The financial burden was overwhelming. I had no income and all the bills were piling up, but the love for and belief in myself to build this company and be able to enjoy the lifestyle I dreamt of having was so strong, I didn’t stay down for long.
The one thing that kept me going was my belief in manifesting your own reality: the Law of Attraction. I was ahead of the game in many aspects, because I had already proven to myself that these laws work, in managing my Crohn’s Disease, and in believing that Gary’s spirit lived on another plane of existence. So likewise, because I believed in this business and myself so strongly, I knew deep in my heart it was worth fighting for, because I would ultimately succeed.
Another snag in the process during this time was that I was becoming unhappy with Ron. Deep down I blamed him for the mess he got me in, though I realized later that I should never have blamed him because we are all responsible for our own thoughts and actions.
Once I stopped blaming Ron, my world improved immensely. In fact, I was shortly to learn that blaming and complaining causes more of what we are blaming and complaining about – it’s the wonderfully simple but empowering “boomerang effect” inherent in the Law of Attraction in that whatever you send out to the Universe, it comes right back to you. But before I changed my “blame-game” behavior, I harbored a lot of negative feelings toward Ron.
I blamed him because he had encouraged me to leave my full-time job and concentrate on building my business. But again, that wasn’t his “fault.” My problem was this: My belief system at the time was set up very conservatively; I felt that I had to have a regular income in order to survive. I strongly believe that my feelings of insecurity kept preventing me from really championing the business and putting my all into it.
Many people are talking about the Law of Attraction these days; it’s a hot topic. But there’s nothing “new” about this kind of thinking at all; it’s one of those cyclical forms of thought that have gone around since antiquity and continually make a resurgence, often in different forms, but the message remains the same: What you send out to the Universe, you will attract.
Many people don’t understand how powerful this belief system and the positive (or negative) affirmations actually are, but to really put this way of thinking into use, it’s integral that people understand that the Law of Attraction works on your innermost thoughts and feelings. It’s both extremely simple and, alternatively, very powerful. And, it works both ways: If you constantly worry and believe bad things are going to happen to you, you’ll literally “attract” that energy and get more of those “bad things!” So, deep down inside, because I worried about money constantly, that’s exactly what I got. Surprise! Lack of money!
Burdened with financial debt and unhappy living with Ron, I started to really work on my inner self and my sense of spirituality; I tried to concentrate on what I really wanted.
First, it bothered me that I was living too far away from my children; they still lived in the Blue Mountains with Andrew, and I was in the city. After years of nagging, I finally persuaded Andrew to move to Manly. When he agreed, I decided to move to Manly too. I had really “outgrown” the Blue Mountains in many ways; I had lived there for 16 years, and it had been a very isolating experience. I also wanted my girls to be with their mother every day, and to enjoy a better life in the city.
When Andrew finally decided to make the move, it would still take another 10 months, due to the usual work involved in selling a house and the various and sundry loose ends one needs to tie up before undertaking a move.
It was during this time in my life that I became nearly inconsolable with stress and worry. My parents were extremely concerned about me. I would work well into the night , crying. I was worried sick about my business, but I couldn’t give it up. I was no longer happy living with Ron.
But, as they say, after darkness comes the dawn, and this is exactly what happened to me. I thought about how years before, Gary and I used to talk about the wonders of the Universe and really feel we could make mountains move with our knowledge about the Law of Attraction. I realized that after his death and all the day-to-day worry and stress that accompanies any person’s life, I had abandoned that line of thinking; I had been through a lot, dealing with Kevin’s situation with Gertrude and the baby; my new business, and my deteriorating relationship with Ron. I knew something had to give, so I returned to what I knew was real, true, and good: I started to really work on my belief systems and begin again to implement the Law of Attraction in my life.
Soon after I altered my thought patterns to reflect only the positive and deflect the negative in my life, a dear friend of mine came to my aid financially, with no strings attached. This gift enabled me to move out of Ron’s house and relocate to Manly so I could be with my girls.
Once I made my decision to move, I began to feel very empowered again, and I actively started to put my plans into action. I have never been one to just sit and wait; once I arrive at a decision, I act!
Ron had been working out of the country while many of these thoughts were going through my head and I was “refueling,” getting my positive momentum back. The very day he returned, I told him I had decided to leave and would be looking for a flat in Manly. My heart ached because I loved him, but I didn’t want to live in his shadow any more. I had realized that I was taking great strides toward a path and a new life of my own, and he was not. We had simply reached a fork in the road and needed to part.
I am so grateful for the gifts Ron gave me: confidence, clarity, certainty, focus, and much more. We were just not right for each other as partners, but today, we are still the best of mates and I ring him constantly for advice. His knowledge of the speaking industry was and still is invaluable to me.
The move to Manly went fairly smoothly; I had enough money to pay my rent, and I now lived freely and independently, on my own again. I didn’t have to answer to anyone. I chose a flat that welcomed the sunlight, and I keep it tidy. All day I hear the birds singing, and from my window, I watch them flitting from one tree to the other.
While it was true that I was much happier in my new flat in Manly, even causing many people to comment on how much better I looked, deep down inside I was still very scared. As hard as I tried to make myself work on my positive thinking and remind myself of the importance of The Law of Attraction, I still worried about having no money. It was still nibbling away at my subconscious mind. So, what did that bring me? No clients -- hence, no income.
I was working 10 to 12 hours a day marketing, writing articles, doing research, and making lists of people in the field with whom to network and contact. It seemed a never-ending process.
Eventually Andrew and the girls moved to Manly, and I felt much happier. They lived only 5 minutes from me, and now they could come and go as they pleased. I would often hop on my bike and ride down to cook their dinner at Andrew’s. Life was good. After finally selling my house, I was able to clear my debt. But I still didn’t have enough clients, and I continued to worry about money. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how that turned out. The more I worried, the worse everything got. I was still working long hours – up to 14 hours a day, and I felt as though I were on a roundabout. I couldn’t see an apex ahead; I couldn’t see any end in sight, even after all my hard work, and I was very close to burning out and abandoning what I had put so much of my precious time and energy into! I realized I was faltering, and that I was on the verge of losing everything if I gave up, which at times seemed so compelling. But something inside of me just would not quit! Looking back, I believe a part of me was angry with myself for “feeling like a failure,” and this was good for me, because it spurned me upward and onward – it was the kind of anger, accompanied by adrenaline, that can propel a person forward instead of sending you hurtling back. I was grateful for that inner spark, I must say!
So, I stood up straight, shook off my fears as best as I could, and put my nose to the grindstone, continuing to work hard marketing my business. I made myself pursue networking opportunities when I didn’t even feel like getting out of bed. I made myself write this book – and finish it – when dredging up so many old memories of Gary’s suicide and the aftermath brought me to my knees in tears.
Another thing in my favour was that I was well-connected; I was on the membership committee of the American Chamber of Commerce, which made my profile very visible and in the forefront in my industry.
At the time of this writing, the last few years of my life have been fun but also very challenging. Several times I have come close to quitting the business and going back to full-time work. Still, something inside me just wouldn’t let me give up. I believed in myself so strongly, and I had decided I was not going down, I was going to fight and get back everything I had put into this business and more, no matter what.
I could not bear the thought of failing. I was heavily invested in my new life, both emotionally and financially. I had promised my daughters, Emma and Grace, that I would succeed and that we would have the money to travel and do what we liked. I also realized I had reached the point of no return in the work force; not from an employer’s perspective, but my own: I knew I couldn't go back to work in the corporate world, enduring the long hours required for very little in return. I would rather have held up the lollypop sign with the road workers than ever go back to the corporate world.
Plus, by this time, the corporate world was foreign to me. Yes, I continued to deal with it all day while making contacts for my new business, but the people I talked to were frequently very stressed and rude. Was that what I had been like? Whatever the case, I knew I couldn’t cope with that environment any more. That stage of my life was over, and I had to make my new life work despite the struggles.
I also realised I had caused myself a lot of damage by my thoughts and actions, and it was now time to take a serious look at how my mind operates and how I could “program” it to do better.
When I started to review the Law of Attraction again and integrate those principles into my life, I first had to make one distinction in my thinking: for example, I had to remind myself that everything is about cause and effect; that there are no “mistakes,” and that we are the masters of our own lives. Soon I decided that I would only take actions on things that would help me or be beneficial to me, not hinder me. Each morning I planned my day, visualizing my goals and then saying them out loud. I would then write down everything I had to do for the day and focus entirely on that which brings in money -- and separate it from that which does not.
That meant learning to say no! For example, there were many new speakers who wanted to meet with me, but due to time constraints and budgetary issues, I had to say no. I didn’t like doing this, but meeting speakers wasn’t bringing me cash flow. After some months, my 12- to 14-hour-days had paid off, and I had acquired several good speakers. I knew that once the business began making a profit, I would certainly look up the speakers I hadn’t had a chance to meet with.
I knew I had two choices: I could crash and burn, or I could take action! It was and is that simple! Of course the easy way out was to burst into tears and feel sorry for myself, but that wasn't going to fulfill my dreams. I knew the only way to go was to take action and make this business work!
After all, this book is about my challenges and how I ultimately never gave up. This is a book about what kept me, one woman, going when the going got very, very tough. And I was successful. I did reach the apex of my career. I did watch my dreams turn into reality. I did reach my goals.
But crash and burn I did before I made the turn back up the hill.
